What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 01:04
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Does Donald Trump have low self-esteem?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My life is so biszare .
We all went to grammer schools
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But, we were locked up after school.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was very sick at this time too.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He knew the spot.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was in good health!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I waited trembling.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were not on the streets..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She married twice! .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was scared of men, in general
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Comes on , in middle age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
So whats the point in blame.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it wasn’t much.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Would this be the day?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She found it foreign!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I have no regrets .
She loved him until the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I write beautiful poetry .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is soul school!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i lived it daily.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
What did i know ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So, i spoilt her more .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I think the readers, may guess!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Put me off passion for life!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I said to her
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When she asked me how she looked .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I don,t even have a pension.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im still living with it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot live in the past .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It was going to be , some day.